All Joy and No Fun?

There is a new book on parenting called All Joy and No Fun.  This title has intrigued me but I don't think I will read the book. I hope the title is hyperbole.   I looked it up and found this short quote:

"Our experiencing selves tell researchers that we prefer doing the dishes — or napping, or shopping, or answering emails — to spending time with our kids," Senior writes. "But our remembering selves tell researchers that no one — and nothing — provides us with so much joy as our children. It may not be the happiness we live day to day, but it's the happiness we think about, the happiness we summon and remember, the stuff that makes up our life tales."

I know that sometimes I felt like an imposter when I was raising young children.  Often  there were things I would rather do than play a board game or read a story or kick a soccer ball in the back yard or go to a swim meet.  But in spite of ourselves, our children brought us much joy as we watched them grow into productive, happy, independent adults.  

And they still bring us much joy.  I have spent the last hour checking out a Charley Rose interview with Jeff Hammerbacher at Dan's suggestion.  It was a fascinating glimpse into a world of big data and its importance for accelerating science and health care delivery.  I would never have looked it up without Dan's interest and guidance.

I read Laura's blog daily and it often sends me into further investigation of a world of young professional parents besides giving me a glimpse into Laura's busy life.  (lauravanderkam.com)

Jeff cannot share his work with us.   The Institute for Defense Analysis is a world of its own which we were permitted to observe as visitors just once.  But a great joy for me this week as a grandmother was watching a video of young Michael playing Pachelbel's Canon on a grand piano at the Westminster Music School.  I wish we could have been there.   

We have been parents for almost 42 years.  February 27 is Jeff's birthday--which I always think of as the anniversary of my motherhood as well.   Once again, I'll end with my thankfulness--this time for the blessings of children and grandchildren.

Insomnia

Insomnia has been a problem for me--maybe even going back to childhood.  I know I would get up and tell my parents that I couldn't get to sleep.  One of them would crawl in with me and start snoring while I lay awake!

This past week has reminded me of the many nights I have lain awake--and thus caused more such nights this week.  Last Saturday NPR posted an article recommending cognitive therapy for insomnia.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/02/14/276503025/working-with-a-therapist-can-help-when-sleeping-pills-dont?utm_medium=

 I read it and knew I needed to practice what it said--but the harder one tries to follow suggestions, the worse it can get.  During the night, I decided I was not ever going to be able to play the difficult organ prelude I had chosen for the church service and I opted for an easier one.  This was not a good thing to be thinking about at 2:30 am!

Then later in the week I brought years of journals to Pokagon State Park with the goal of purging the private, therapeutic stuff in them and leaving the good or at least important memories that I wanted to share with my children someday.    I got through five of them, tearing out page after page of the recording of sleepless nights and other issues.    It served my purpose at the time to vent in my journal but at this point, there was pain in remembering and accepting my frailties!  However, there was also so much good stuff to remember in the middle of it all--some of which I have already shared with Dan who said that his dear Raven is always eager for more little Danny stories.

Yesterday Laura posted a story on her blog of a sleep-deprived mother and asked for advice.

 http://lauravanderkam.com/2014/02/sleep/#sthash.nQcngcJi.dpuf

Many readers responded  and once again I was reminded of those difficult years of being awake in the middle of the night when your life is controlled by children.   One mother posted this:

 One of the WORST things about long-term disrupted sleep is that – at least in my case – it can cause insomnia even though you are totally exhausted. 

I know that is what happened to me.  It is not true that if you are tired enough, you will sleep!

How is this related to retirement?  I am thankful that I don't have to be up for a class today.  I don't have to drive in the snow and ice to work.  I can take a nap this afternoon.  It's OK to be 67 and retired and not have as many demands on one's life.  

Somewhere recently I read that the mealtime grace "For these gifts we are about to receive, we give you thanks" is also a good one for a bedtime prayer.  A good night of sleep is a wonderful gift. 

Happy Birthday to my older spouse (just two months older!)

February 15 is Jim's birthday.  Lke Christmas birthdays, it may not get all the attention it deserves being the day after Valentine's Day.

It has been a year of reminders of aging.  Jim is now the oldest sibling in his family with the death of Hank in December.  Jim's mom's memory is failing so badly that she didn't remember it was Jim's birthday.  When I quizzed her as to how old she thought he was, she agreed to around 50.

In looking over old journals this week I read of several health problems we both had that are now just faded memories.  At one point I wrote that I was 55 11/12 years old and falling apart with various aches and pains.  I wondered if I would make it three more years to match the age that my mother passed away.  Well, I have  done so and gone many years beyond that.  JIm, too, is in good health.  The pharmaceutical industry would never flourish on his needs.

We spent his birthday in our usual ways.  I practiced the organ, did the laundry,  and prepared the birthday meal.  Jim and I got the groceries together as we always do on Saturdays and then, even though it was his birthday, he spent the afternoon reading a doctoral dissertation in preparation for a defense coming up soon.

Jim's sister Terri and her husband Ken were kind enough to bring Mom to our house for dinner.  It was a treat for us not to make that bi-weekly trip to Kalamazoo.  We had a good meal and a pleasant visit.  We did get to be like the "old folks" at the end of the evening, reminiscing about our first real jobs and the paychecks--$5,750 for me in 1968 as a teacher in Grand Rapids, Michigan and $13,000 for Jim as a professor at North Carolina State University in 1976.

I am thankful for Jim and pray for his good health and ability to be productive. I hope we can have many more years together.

Don't ask Jim when he is going to retire!  Who will tell him he should?   Bill Svelmoe was supposed to tell him when it was tine to retire from church softball.  Bill has long since retired from softball--and Jim is still hoping that they will be short a man and he will be forced to leave the record book on the bench and take his place on the field!

Valentine's Day

  This is the first year I am not sharing Valentine's Day as a teacher with a class.  I always made a heart-shaped cake using a square and a circle, a bit of a geometry lesson.  I usually asked the students to write a five paragraph GED essay about their ideal Valentine with interesting results.

I've been purging old journals and that is a topic for another blog.  I often recorded the words on cards Jim gave me or the meal I made for the day, so it must be important to me even if I think I am not a romantic and am somewhat cynical about a commercially inspired holiday.

Tonight we are having a spaghetti dinner, one of Jim's favorite meals.  I'll buy a better than our usual $6.99 bottle of wine and make some beer bread.  If I am ambitious, I'll make banket--another favorite for Jim.  I doubt we'll exchange cards.  We might exchange written messages.  I already let Jim  know that I bought him a gift and that means the pressure is on him!  My gift is an impulsive one I bought at the Jockey outlet store yesterday--I could add a photo.  I doubt Jim will pose for it!

Jim is my most faithful blog reader--maybe because he is the only one whose email I added to the site.  So...Happy Valentine's Day, Jim.  I love you!

How do you celebrate Valentine's Day?  Or do you prefer ignoring it?  (My daughter often ends her blogs with a question.  Is that is how I will get some comments?)

An Astronaut?

About a week ago, I succumbed to  one of those frequent Facebook quizzes.

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/what-career-should-you-have

Maybe I was a little bored.  Maybe I trusted my dear daughter-in-law who had done it and found out her occupation should be a professor which she is and then another dear friend who found out she should be a writer.
http://phillipians447.wordpress.com/

As I know she blogs and does it well, I thought this could be interesting.

So, what should this 67 year old, white-haired, retired school teacher be?  An astronaut!  As I am terribly afraid of heights, I think this will not be my second career.  My hands get sweaty, my heart pounds hard, and I have an irrational desire to jump even though I am not suicidal.

However,  the quiz asked good questions and my answers showed that I love to explore and I am curious!

So here I am in front of a fireplace looking at a bearskin on the wall at Potawatomi Inn at Pokagon State Park just 68 miles from home.   We pass the sign for the park as we make our frequent trips east on I 80 and even today, someone told me how much she loved coming here with her family as a child and teenager.  So I have been curious--and have had a visit here on my "bucket list."

http://www.in.gov/dnr/parklake/inns/potawatomi/index.html

I booked a room in the historic section of the inn (to be interpreted--small room) for two nights for the price of one (when one night was only $65) and now I am enjoying my adventure.  If the toboggan run were open, I wonder if I would be that adventurous.  Probably not.

 Tonight I enjoyed a solitary dinner of braised chicken, mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts (not so great) and water with lemon ( no liquor in public places) while I read my book, did a crossword puzzle and listened to the two couples at the next table discuss for at least ten minutes if salads were pre-made in the kitchen or whether your server made it himself.

I don't feel lonely.  I've had two conversations with Jim and sent him a photo of dinner.  He enjoyed his frozen pizza at home.  We'll talk again later.  There are things he will do for me but there are also things I don't ask him to do--and this is one I am happy to enjoy on my own!

 I don't think I feel obligated to get my money's worth and may find one night is enough for now.

Opportunities

Yesterday I was able to participate in two things that would have been impossible had I not retired.

Jim has shared his experiences as a "reader" at Tarkington School here for years with me over supper on Tuesday evenings.  It has been good for the little boys that he has read with--some for several years--and it has been good for him to see what teaching little ones is like.  Tarkington is a well-run school with very good teachers. https://www.edline.net/pages/tarkington_traditional_school/  He asked me if I would be willing to read there as well. ( We are both very careful not to volunteer each other for anything.)  I agreed and he took care of all the arrangements.  Due to snow days, a garage door that wouldn't open, and my little jaunt out of town, yesterday was the first day I was able to join him and read.  

Zach was very happy to know that I finally showed up.   He was a good-sized third-grader who read quite well but in my  "diagnostic-teaching" mode, I noticed he read longer words easily and missed several of the little connecting words.  His teacher told me later he needs to work on comprehension.

Maddie was a lively first-grader who loved dinosaurs, she said.  It was a challenge for me to read the names of those dinosaurs in her book!  Her teacher told her to take tissues with her to the library because she had a terrible cold.  She certainly did, but that didn't stop her from giving me a high five directly after blowing her nose.  I was happy to use the hand sanitizer conveniently placed near the sign-out book in the school office!

I felt good that Jim was eager to have me join him in this experience.  He feels very much at home in that school and feels appreciated.  And he should be--he has made it a priority.

The other experience was joining Jim in another aspect of his life.  It was his turn to present his research at the Institute for Advanced Study at Notre Dame where he is a fellow for the spring term. http://ndias.nd.edu/   He was asked to invite four guests who were in his field and would be given the first opportunity to question him.  I was an extra guest who was not required to submit a photo and a resume or asked to present a question.   I hear about his work in the book of Jubilees chapter by chapter but was eager to see how he would present it as a whole to his colleagues.   Jim was clearly comfortable in his presentation and knowledgeable--no matter what anyone asked.  The other fellows seemed interested for the most part.

I really admired the way the whole session was run--from the delicious food catered in, to the hand-outs at each place, and to the gracious and intelligent way the director Brad Gregory ran the session.  All of the questions were good but Brad had a gift for asking the big questions about Jim's progress in his career and how he would present to non-academic audiences.

Both of these opportunities enriched my lfie yesterday.  I was always grateful for my job as well and its opportunities, but now I am happy for the changes in my life.  I am still on the email list for adult education so I cheerfully delete notices of the webinars and meetings regarding the new TASC--Test Assessing Secondary Completion.  I've moved on!

Living in the Present

It has been three weeks into what has felt like retirement and I am still doing very well.  There is that word "still" again.  Are you "still" working?  Are you "still" living in that big house?  Are you "still" playing church softball, golfing, etc.?   It is a  word that comes up at our age too often.

This morning while cleaning drawers, I found an old journal that contained some painful memories and they didn't hurt like they once did.  I added one last page entry (two years later) that I am really liking retirement and am living each day as the present--not a lot of unhealthy or obsessive thinking about the past or the future.

Then I wrote that each day IS a present and it has been.  I have been given the gift of enough sleep--and for me that is a real gift.  I awake each day with a list of things to do but almost nothing is essential.   I wonder if the day will feel boring or lonely and so far, it has not been like that at all.

 I thought retirement would be the time to read longer (700 pages plus) and more demanding books, but both The Goldfinch and Middlemarch will be returned to the library unread.  My friend Beth told me that both were worth reading and yet I find that I don't have that kind of energy or persistence right now and that is OK!

 I have tried to set a goal of doing something for someone else each day and that makes me feel as if my day is not all about me.  Sometimes it has been just writing an email to our missionaries, the DeVuysts,  in a very dangerous Ukraine,  or a posting on Mr. Vander Lugt's  obituary site or mailing a postcard to Jim's mom.  These are easy things for me to do.

I've tried to sit quietly for a bit each day, but I am not good at "meditation."  It was easier last summer when I could sit outside and look at the trees and hear the birds sing outside.  I have found a spot upstairs where I can look outside at the bare branches against the sky and that is a good place for me to try to listen and pray.

I hope and pray this attitude can continue and that I can thank God for the gift of each day.